Glass? Clay!

[ase]

"Are you saying that no matter how screwed up I was, you'd still expect me to work wonders?" Appalling.

She considered this. "Yes," she smiled serenely. "In fact, since no one is perfect, it follows that all great deeds have been accomplished out of imperfection. Yet they were accomplished, somehow, all the same."

It wasn't just his father who had made Miles crazy, Mark decided.

-Mirror Dance, Lois McMaster Bujold

The latest dealing-with-upsetting-topics meme is the sexual violence meme, which touched down more than once on my friends list this week. Like the "bullying is bad" meme that went around some time ago, it's generating a lot of energetic discussion, both in favor of the meme (raising awareness and helping people overcome the stigma associated with rape) and against (trivializing the issue. And, of course, the trolls). What I find astonishing is the enormous amount of pain humans inflict on each other, and how we manage to put our lives back together. Some of the people I most respect have come through some really horrible experiences to get where they are today. You talk to these happy, busy people, and sometimes they'll say something about a neglectful parent, the Date from Hell, suicidal depression, and you wonder how they ever got past those things. No one I know has had a "perfect" life. And, on the whole, we still manage to live without being dominated by the really traumatic stuff that's happened to us. And however unthinkable your situation may be, it's very likely someone else has been there, and has moved on, so that you'd never think they'd been assaulted, or abused, or had a particularly vicious cancer, or been an alcoholic. Then they mention it and you're shocked, because it's such a non-issue most of the time.

People are fragile, like glass: a little pressure shatters them. People are resilient, like clay: find the pieces and they can be remade. I think that's what this type of meme is about. Letting people say, "I've been there, and there's a way past the moment." The trick is that you can be told there is a road, but you have to find and walk it yourself.

Comments

[hornedhopper.livejournal.com]

Very nice imagery, Ase! And true.

I think it does help to know that horrid events are survivable. Sometimes, people don't know that. No one, I think, can be prepared for these kinds of life-altering events, but hearing about how other survivors have managed to keep from being "victims" can give a better perspective of how to get on that "way past the moment." When the shattered pieces are remolded like clay, the final result will doubtless be different from the original, but sometimes...it can be more durable.

[ase.livejournal.com]

Very nice imagery, Ase! And true.

Thank you! I read a very cognizant post where someone asked, "is this meme really helping, or is it just the latest meme fad?" and remembered some other memes, and wanted to say something about it. Saying, "this has happened" doesn't necessarily heal anything, but it's a first step, sometimes. The trick is moving on to the second step, and not dwelling on whatever trauma you've been through. That's not easy, either.

[filkferengi]

[being caught by surprise] When did you become so wise?

[ase.livejournal.com]

*Equally surprised*

I did?

Well. Must've happened when I wasn't looking.

[kd5mdk.livejournal.com]

The difficult part for me is the total absence of anything terrible from my life. It's all not there. I mean, the worst thing ever to happen to me was not having sex till after high school. So whenever I come across someone who has had a troubled life, I really wonder what in the world I can do that connects with them at all.

[trolleypup.livejournal.com]

Ditto. I've watched bad things happen to others, but barely a twitch on the personal bad thing meter, and those, pretty much my choice.

[kd5mdk.livejournal.com]

I can't actually say I've even watched someone else go through a bad time. Or at least, not any that I've been told about.

As for bad choices, I haven't even really made any of those. In fact, I almost made one earlier this year, (actually, made it and then reversed it later) and I suspect it was chosen AS a bad choice just so I'd have made one.

[ase.livejournal.com]

To both of you: lucky men. Also, what you might not consider bad, like evil parents someone else might. It depends on personal fault lines, sometimes.

[kd5mdk.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I was taking evil parents into account. Mine are just great.

I'm reminded of the author from "Love Off the Shelf" who was terribly tortured because he had a happy childhood and so didn't think he was a real writer.

[mareklamo.livejournal.com]

Me three. Reading the tons of comments on the sexual violence post, I felt like some kind of (lucky) freak because the only traumatic event in my life was puberty.

Clay -- Vessel or Shell....

[sunlizzard.livejournal.com]

Beautifully said, Ase.

Riffing a bit on the clay image:

Raw clay is malleable only for a time, then life-pressures gradually harden it.

For some people, that process leads to an impenetrable outer shell, protective to be sure, but essentially hollow inside.

Others, though their clay was warped or distorted as its shape was formed, manage to leave in themselves an opening, as a vessel, and retain the capacity to welcome life to fill them again and again.

I think the greatest vessel-person I know is Alec F-B. (Sister Lizzard jumps out of the way of the deafening chorus of agreement she sees rolling toward her....)

Thanks, Ase, for a wonderful pause-and-reflect moment.

Re: Clay -- Vessel or Shell....

[ase.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Ase, for a wonderful pause-and-reflect moment.

Thank you for commenting! The glass vs. clay metaphor has some problems (one of them's already been fired, formed and cooled for starters) but that's got its own uses. People are more complex than one image can contain, in my experience. And even if clay dries out, it's sometimes possible to rehydrate and remold. (Ah, art class. How I miss thee.)