(no subject)

[ase]

Yesterday: sunny, sweaty 89 F outside the office doors, 53 F and a fog bank at home. This morning I cycled out of the fog San Francisco, greatness or awesome?

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Two posts from divergent axes of my reading lists have popped up with discussions of the Rebecca Watson and Richard Dawkins thing (and another post, including original video with transcript.) Context: a woman posts in her blog that she felt uncomfortable with a situation alone with a man in an elevator, someone else writes a post on their blog responding to same, and in comments to the second post Dawkins, a noted biologist, atheist, and Old English White Guy, went out of his way to suggest Watson should STFU.

It reminded me of something that happened a couple of weeks ago, that I am not so happy about, either!

Poll #7466 Socialization One

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 6

View Respondents

If you saw a woman on the train with a book whose subject catches your interest, would you talk to her?

View Answers

Yes
3 (50.0%)

Depends on context, which I will elaborate in comments.
2 (33.3%)

No
1 (16.7%)

Now, would you talk to her if she was using said book as a spine-out lap-desk, laptop balanced on her backpack?

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Yes
0 (0.0%)

Depends on context, which I will elaborate in comments
3 (50.0%)

No
3 (50.0%)

Ticky?

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Ticky!
4 (80.0%)

Ticky suspects a trick question in this poll.
4 (80.0%)

Ticky supports train commutes
5 (100.0%)

Ticky for entertaining nonfiction
3 (60.0%)

I don't think I communicated "oh? What? Huh? I'm sorry, this isn't a good time" very gracefully. On the other hand, I was working on a down-to-the-wire school application, hoping the train wouldn't jolt my laptop off its perch, and I had a soft-voiced 30something squinting across the bike racks at my book, trying to talk over my GPA math. Calculating cumulative GPA across four institutions before caffeine is enough effort without the little voice saying be nice to the man.

And after he'd gone away, I flipped my Lise Meitner biography spine-in.

This is the 21st century. I'm supposed to parse this as an isolated event. But it's not. Why are you talking to me? I wanted to ask. You're interrupting me. I didn't hear an 'excuse me'. Why am I feeling I'd be the rude one to say I'm busy? We're supposed to relate to other men and women as people first, but as a woman, I'm also fighting the voice asking, What does he want? Is this just awkwardness, or a more serious problem? Logically, no, but logic kicks in after your pulse has jumped.

This isn't fishing for sympathy. I think I overreacted and could have handled the situation better. Men don't have the monopoly on socially maladroit moments! An interruption by a man or woman would have irritated me at that GPA-calculating moment. However, a man trying to bend your lap-desk / biography into a conversation on nuclear war has an extra weight and shadow that he hopefully will keep in mind. Elevators and Caltrain baby bullet trains have one thing in common: when they're moving, it's your words that might be your first defense.

Comments

[trouble]

My context is that sometimes I will try and catch someone's eye, but unless they then indicate in some way that they actually might want to talk (like, they don't immediately look back down at their book or something), I won't bother them.

I really hate that if I'm sitting with headphones on no one bothers me, but if I'm "just" reading I need to be asked about my book. This is actually the real reason I hate our current mayor. If I wanted to talk about the book I was reading, Mr Mayor, I would put it down and start a conversation, not keep giving you dirty looks and two word answers.

[ase]

Are there so few readers of dead-tree books that it's assumed we will instantly bond over our reading material? If you're breaking my attention, I will have more respect if large verbal signals. Phrases like "excuse me", "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting / disturbing your concentration, but...", "I can see you're busy, but I am so excited to see someone else is interested in [topic] I had to comment," or "please forgive me, but..." will help get more traction when I am using my book for a lap desk.

On the other hand, I find that inventing deadlines - "this is for class, excuse me, class is at the end of this bus ride" - generally shuts down interrupters. I've also been known to put on headphones without plugging anything in when I'm not in the mood for other people.

(The Mayor? Seriously?)

[azurelunatic]

If someone looks like they shouldn't be interrupted, I wouldn't even start. If someone looks like they might not be averse to being interrupted, I might try to catch their eye and mention that the book they have is very good. Which is a complete conversation in itself, and if they did not look inclined to continue it, perfect time to go back to my own reading.

[ase]

Which is a complete conversation in itself, and if they did not look inclined to continue it, perfect time to go back to my own reading.

Yes, this. Give an opening hook, and let it go if they're not interested. Don't try to springboard from Meitner to the nuclear arms race. To name a completely random example. Cough.